What happens when your week was too crazy to get a post done? Your dog steps in and saves you. For the first time ever, my pug Bowie is writing on my blog. Enjoy.
Hello readers of Jade and Oak. My name is David Bowie (but just Bowie for short), my mom’s first (and best, duh) dog child. Since mom slacked today, I wanted to take this opportunity to share some things that I think she needs to know.
1. When I let you sleep in the “big bed” with me at night, you should know that you are only allowed to lay in the narrow area between my butt and the edge of the bed. Please do not try to spread out at all, because I am trying to rest and you will wake me up and that isn’t very nice.
2. Speaking of sleep (I mean, it is something I do about 20 hours a day), when I’m tired during the day, please just let me drape myself all over you like a sad hot blanket. I run at about 1000 degrees, so I’m sure you’ll be comfortable no matter the time of the year.
3. When I’m in “crazy puppy” mode, know that I will run around your legs and try to trip you. Or bite your pant legs as you try to walk by. Or knock over that full glass of water you just put on the coffee table. Or drag the dog bed around the room like a badass while you’re on the phone. So don’t act surprised (or annoyed).
4. You are making that food for me. This is not a question, it’s a fact. Whatever it is, it’s for me, so I don’t know why you’re confused and don’t hand it over to me. Plus it is crazy rude for you to eat all of that food that obviously is mine.
5. When you happen to allow me to have some of MY food, I will absolutely swallow it after 0-3 chews of it. Who has time to waste chewing their food?
6. I don’t like feeling pressured to do my “business” when you take me outside. So I’m just going to wander around to get you off my back. I’m going to do the circle/sniff thing a bunch of times as if I’m about to go but… no. I don’t like you pressuring me. Instead I’m going to intently sniff the air when the neighbors are cooking out, bark at birds and chew on sticks that I find laying around. I’ll potty if I feel like it. But probably not. And even if I don’t, I would still like a treat. Thanks.
7. So when is this thing you call “Rosie” going back to her own house? She’s cramping my style.
8. Even though dad isn’t the biggest fan, I think you should buy me a lot of clothes and accessories and dress me in them. Everyday.
9. Business idea!! Remember how there was talk of making just muffin tops since that was everyone’s favorite part of a muffin? Well, I’m going to make a couch that is just made of couch backs because that’s the best part. Boom. Millionaires.
10. I really love when you sing to me. You have the voice of one thousand angels and your made-up song lyrics are really unique and clever. Your full-time job should be singing parody songs to pugs and you should be paid thousands.
11. When you try to include me in your selfies, I feel embarrassed. I think you should get out more. But I still love you.
So there ya go – the things that Bowie thinks I need to know, straight from the pug’s mouth. And I’m so glad to know that he is super impressed with my awesome singing. He has such good taste.
What would your dog say to you if he wrote you a letter and/or took over your blog?
Have a nice weekend everyone! I’m going wedding dress shopping again tomorrow eeeeee. I’m slightly excited but I can be super picky so who knows.